12/02/2003 - 7:33 PM

First, a clarification: I will refuse to censor myself in this diary, and so there will be no change to how I type entries or what I put into them. If I feel that something is sensitive and will put my true identity in jeopardy, I will private that one entry (should have learned that lesson from non-descript a long time ago).

There is a realization about myself in all of this, though...I love the attention. That truth was brought to life from looking at my elementary school photos and report cards. My kindergarden teacher comments that "John needs to learn that he can't be first in everything". Sheesh! But it's true...I'm extremely competetive in anything I compete in. In response, my mom commented that she was trying to help me not "constantly say every thought that comes to mind".

Trust me when I say that I was a pain in the ass to my classmates in elementary school. I remember winning some in-class contest, and being the class representative to witness a tree being planted on the school grounds to honor Arbor Day. Not only did I think I was hot shit, I also insisted that the teacher let me tell the whole class about it when I came back, not at the designated time. The words "spaz" and "geek" were beyond appropriate for me at that time.

Math competitions, spelling bees...I felt the need to constantly prove that I was smarter than the average cub. If you ask me right now why I did, I could only guess. It's not like my mom didn't give me attention or make me feel special, but I did feel inferior to most kids at school. In recess, in social skills, and even in clothing, I was an outsider. Until I hit high school, I never had a close friend that I hung out with. As I've talked about recently, my childhood had a tendency to be messed up, but there were a lot of good things going on, too. The memories of my mom, my brother and me going for walks in the neighborhood, telling ghost stories, and visiting my grandparents bring a smile to my face. At what point does the scale weighing the good and the bad actually matter in how someone turns out?

My flight heads back to Denver tomorrow, and even though I'm stressing over the loss of a day's pay, it was good to spend another afternoon with my mom, shopping and cracking jokes. Which leads me back to the class photos...

Remember my mention of a member of a popular gay TV makeover show having been a classmate? Turns out that I've got a little dirt on the situation that wouldn't exactly be fodder for the tabloids, but would not be something that that person would want out there. Sorry...it will probably never be publicized by me, but it's still cool to know something about a famous person that most people wouldn't know.

See...once again, my need to be ahead of others. Some things never change...

What I'm Listening To: My folks are watching Family Feud in the other room

First Word That Comes To Mind: dirt

What I'm Currently Reading: