11/08/2003 - 11:46 AM

Well, that's not really true. I was reading an article about Tobias Wolff's new book, and his whole experience of trying to define himself as a boy growing up in a dysfunctional family triggers a lot of memories about my own struggle to figure out why I felt the way I did growing up. Believe it or not, a good amount of the pain I felt actually did me some good in the long run. No matter what I can say about a stepdad that was both physically and emotionally abusive, somewhere inside I do believe he cared about my mom, my brother and myself. If you can believe this, I was a bit of a thief as a pre-teen, sneaking money from my mom's wallet or from anywhere else I felt it wouldn't be detected, simply for video games or whatever.

That's a bizarre experience to look back on, as I truly have no idea why I did what I did. Rebellion? Probably. People always considered me the kind, respectful, intelligent kid who was going to do something with himself, and I suppose this could have been my way to say, "Hell NO!" At one point, my stepdad actually threatened to send me off to a military school that, in the back of my mind, I knew they couldn't afford, but there was no way that I would ever call that bluff. So I stood there cowering, whimpering, sniveling...just wanting it to stop.

And it actually did stop. My memories of my childhood are spotty...I remember specific events vividly, but general situations and all come back to me as vague, cloudy pictures. In this case, I think it all stopped after we moved from the home where we lived in my junior high years to the home my mom still lives in. Talk about the pinnacle of being an outsider...I had no friends for three years that I could call my own. I ran with my brother and his friends from the neighborhood, but I never fit in. On top of that, I was also coming to terms with my sexuality, which was extremely complicated. How messed up is this...I found myself sexually attracted to my stepdad. Every once in a while, I would catch my folks having sex, and I would get off on that, simply because of that attraction. To make matters worse, the man was never ashamed of his body, and had no problem in walking from the bedroom to the bathroom naked. These days, the personality he exhibited would turn me off immediately, but I wasn't that sophisticated about it then.

Damn...I had no idea that this entry would go in that direction. At least you can say you learned something about me that you didn't know before, and I can actually feel like I dug a little bit to pull something out that I know has molded me. I know this will be buried back into the dark after I send the entry out, but it heartens me a bit to know that I have it in me to deal with this stuff, and recognize it for what it is. Just like I'm attempting to do with the stress in my life. Don't laugh...I just went to the library down the street from my place and got the first library card that I've had in years. After finding that they didn't have any Tobias Wolff books, I saw a book on the shelf across the way that caught my eye. "Meditation for Dummies". Yeah...that sounds about right. I've been thinking about learning more about it, and this actually seems like a good primer to get a feel for whether it would work for me or not. I also picked up another book called "The Secret Life of Cowboys" that looked good, so I've got some reading material to hold me over for the next week or so.

This entry has taken almost four hours to enter. I've walked away several times, but sometimes it works better for me to give an entry some room to breathe before I post it. Besides typos, I usually can process what I've typed, and in some cases, word it more coherently. Other times, it's as convoluted as it was when I first spit it out. One more insight into the mind of John...

Which leads me to one last thought. I looked at my profile this morning, and I've posted over 250 entries in the past 13 months, and I'm a bit shocked by that number. There are very few things in my life that I think I've been that dedicated to, so I've already impressed myself by simply keeping it up. Then I went to my last entry, and as I read it through, I glanced up at the top of the page, and for the first time, I really looked at the figure standing on the hill. With the exception of the turtleneck (which I almost NEVER wear), I actually pictured myself right there. The page was actually designed by someone else (thank you, Poo Designs), but as soon as I saw it, the mood it set was perfect for what I wanted to convey. Maybe I need to learn some web design so I can modify it and change it up like non-descript does so well.

Okay...so that wasn't my last thought. He would probably attempt to give me about 100 reasons why I shouldn't feel this way, but here's my confession...I am truly jealous of non's talents. Here's a guy who is extremely gifted in many ways and constantly in demand. At any time, he could settle down into one of them and probably be well off for the rest of his life, and he might actually ENJOY his career, too. How many of us can actually say that? I can't even pin down one career that I'm willing to put that much effort into, and he's got the ability to throw a dart at a dartboard and let it land on whatever one he doesn't choose.

What I'm Listening To: Liberty X - Being Nobody

First Word That Comes To Mind: Reveal

What I'm Currently Reading: