04/05/2006 - 6:57 AM

I can�t operate like this. I�ve thought that we had the type of relationship where we both know we need to talk things out, but Matt has a tendency to shut down when he feels emotionally threatened, and that�s what he did last night. Actually, he did it all day yesterday. He logged off of IM for the rest of the day, too. So here I sit, hanging, wondering what�s going through his mind and it�s killing me. I was feeling so apologetic yesterday, but now I�m just upset and frustrated. What I said was wrong�that�s not even a question. Scratch that�when I said what I said was wrong. I stand by what I did say, although it should have come out in a much more constructive way.

My one request for this relationship is that we are upfront and honest with each other. Matt has a tendency to �lie by omission� because he thinks it�s the right thing to do, and I�ve asked him not to do this on many occasions. The argument yesterday evolved because of this very practice, and he sees nothing wrong with it. He claims that this is what you do in a relationship, and many relationships may operate with that practice very successfully. I would rather know exactly where I stand with a person that I�ve allowed to get so close to me, and I�m not cool with it. Maybe I�m not being practical, but I�ve learned to make the right decisions in my life, rather than the easy decisions. If something needs to be said, I will say it. In the short term, I may take more heat for this, but I feel that in the long run it�s much better for all parties involved.

The killer in all of this stress is that this came about because of a misunderstanding. It�s a misunderstanding that blew up into something that I�m now sitting here, wondering if we can recover from. Matt even threw the possibility of breaking up out there, which has made this waiting game seem even longer. I don�t want this to end. He is such a part of me that if he left, I would be an emotional wreck, and I�m not sure what I would do. Just losing the ring that he gave me for our ceremony made me a little bit of a basket case on Sunday, so to lose everything that we�ve worked for over the past three years would be devastating. I�m trying to stay positive, but because we haven�t spoken, my mind wanders towards the worst possible scenario.

My new employee is going to work out just fine. She�s terrific�I�m so pleased that she seems to be enjoying it, as well. The only bad thing about all of this is that I�m training her while trying to hold down my job as well as hers. It will probably take a week or so to get her up to speed, so I�m doing double duty for the moment. And there are more special projects heading my way. It�s as if these projects have radar to know when I�m at my most defenseless point, and they�re waiting to kick me in the head. Ahhh�the joys of management.

What I'm Listening To: Elliott's version of "If Tomorrow Never Comes" from American Idol

First Word That Comes To Mind: reconcile

What I'm Currently Reading: Stephen King - Cell