10/28/2003 - 11:50 PM

The resignation was given on Monday, as promised. One of those cowardly, end-of-the-day things where you gain a few more hours not having to deal with everyone asking 20 questions about why you�re leaving them behind. My boss completely denied telling people I was going to be let go, but I�m not surprised. If anything, her denial just made me feel better about the decision. In a twist on the notice scenario, I actually called in sick today. Never done that during a notice period, but I�m entitled to the sick time, so why not?

I�m on day three of the stomachaches, and day six of the poor sleep nights. For some reason, Tylenol PM doesn�t do a thing for me in this situation, so I just lie in bed and listen to all the voices in my head, dragging me in so many directions. I thought last night would be better�Matt and I had sex before we went to sleep, and from completely out of the blue, we ended up doing �the act that dare not speak it�s name�. It�s as if he felt bad for me with everything I�ve been going through, so he let me mount him for a couple of minutes. I just wish he hadn�t come so quickly, but that�s a different story. From there, I slept soundly for six hours, but awoke at 5, and there was no going back to sleep from there. I�m a seven-to-eight hour man, so that just doesn�t cut it. Add it to the missing hours from the past few days, and you�ve got a major sleep deficit.

I don�t have to be at the p/t job for another two hours, so I�m here at home, trying to get all my thoughts in order. This week has been an emotional plunge, and yet I know this is the right move to make. There�s no question in my mind that I will look back on this and be thankful that I got out, but right now, my body is rebelling like it never has before. Between the lack of sleep, the stomachaches, the occasional headache, and the loss of appetite (a rarity for me), I feel like I�m being hardened for war or something. This HAS to be somewhat like what a person going through boot camp feels like after a week, except their exertion is physical, and mine is mental. The mental can continue while I attempt to sleep, and that�s my problem. Maybe I should make a resolution here and now to learn to meditate and shut off the voices. Or at least hear what they say the first time, acknowledge them, and move on.

The interview this morning went well, but was a bit awkward. Ted told me not to act like I was a shoo-in (which I wouldn�t have done), but I�m basically a shoo-in, simply on his recommendation. He�s been so great to me through all of this that I almost feel uncomfortable about it. Between loaning me a little bit of money when I sent out a bill payment too early, and helping me locate a new job, my mind races ahead to figure out how I can repay him for his help. If I were in his shoes, though, I�d tell the other person that that�s what friends do for each other, and to put repayment out of his mind. In Ted�s case, he said he pretty much considers me family, and would do anything to help family out. I can�t tell him just how much that means to me. Between Ted and Matt, I�ve had some of the best support I could ever ask for.

My insides are just churning away in my gut. I�ve heard that bad stress can really mess up your digestive tract, and I think that�s exactly what is happening here. Honestly, I don�t mind the loss of appetite, but it�s the loss of sleep that truly hurts. It used to be that the only time I couldn�t sleep was before a big trip on vacation as a kid. I�d lay in bed, just thinking about what we would do and where we would go, and it would usually be about 3am or so that I�d finally drift off, only to wake up before everyone else who got to sleep four hours before I did. As I got older and started managing stores, I�d have that same feeling when I would have a big visit planned with a supervisor. Actually, that makes sense when I figure in that my boss is in town this week. I guess it would be one thing to feel like this when she�s in another state at her desk, but it�s another when she could just walk up behind me in my cubicle and dig her nails into my neck and make my life a�oh, sorry. This seems to have turned this into a Halloween tale.

Speaking of Halloween, Matt, Cedric and Malcolm are having a party Friday night. I am SUCH a Halloween humbug, but I will be there and have a good time. Costumes are optional, and I don�t think Matt is wearing one, so that will help make things a little more comfortable.

Talked to Mom for the second time in two days last night. She called to see how things had gone at work on Monday, and I filled her in on how the resignation had gone. Her whole take on this situation cracks me up. At the end of the call, she says, �you tell that woman that your mom said �Go to Hell!�� Always looking out for me. I also found out that she�s thought for years that I chew my fingernails, which made me laugh. The thought of chewing a fingernail is pretty creepy to me, but I know I cut my nails very low, so I can see where she got that idea. It�s funny how some beliefs come to life.

I actually feel like I could sleep right now, but I have to leave in an hour, so maybe I�ll just lie down and set the alarm clock for 45 minutes. Then again, I may not wake up when the alarm goes off. Wouldn�t that be a shame?

What I'm Listening To: Sheryl Crow - First Cut Is the Deepest

First Word That Comes To Mind: exhausted

What I'm Currently Reading: