02/15/2006 - 9:19 PM

I've felt like my entries have been extremely superficial recently. The old habits of burying and denying rear their conjoined heads again, and last night was such a great break from that. Every word of that entry was basically written in my head before I even typed it. Does that make sense? There was no hesitation...it just kind of poured out of me, and I went with it. Not that I felt like I bared my soul fully (well, more like my naked torso, but you get my drift).

Confidence isn't usually an issue for me, but my one true weakness has been my body image. Even when I was in the best shape of my life three years ago, I constantly obsessed over all of my flaws. I have thinning hair on the top of my head, thickening hair on other parts of my body, something resembling a beer belly where I'm apparently carrying almost ALL of this body fat...and the list goes on. Nothing that's unique to one person, but they're MY issues, and I'll obsess over them in my own fun ways, I guess.

As far back as I can remember, it's been a challenge for me to take my shirt off in public. I wasn't the fattest kid, but I earned the "husky" size on my Toughskins with no effort. I rarely went swimming once I hit pre-teens, and the locker room before and after gym class might as well have had a stopwatch ticking, because I took care of my business in record time. Even public restrooms were a challenge until my 20s, when I realized that everyone else was doing the same thing I was (well, except for a few rest areas and bars, from what I've been told).

So my challenge (besides increasing my fitness level) is to get over this hang-up with my body, and just accept that even if someone does have an opinion about how I look, it's on me to accept what I have and don't have, and to make it work.

(PS - Speaking of "make it work", I've gotten sucked into Project Runway. Just what I need in my life...another reality TV show. Only a few episodes left, though. I'm recording tonight's, and then I think there's two more. I have a little man-crush on Nick, who got booted last week. Those bastards...although I have to say it was lame to make a man's suit with no pockets on the jacket or pants. What's up with that?)

What I'm Listening To: The Killers - On Top

First Word That Comes To Mind: confidence

What I'm Currently Reading: Stephen King - The Colorado Kid