11/22/2003 - 12:30 AM

In the course of working both jobs a LOT this week, I have barely been able to keep up with all the breaking news going on around us, and in a small way, I'm glad for it. Bombings in Turkey, protests in Britain, more child molestation charges against Wacko Jacko, a "thumbs up" to gay marriage from the Massachusetts Supreme Court, racial slurs from a younger Eminem...and these are just the ones that caught my eyes and ears for more than 10 seconds. Even though all of these things interest or intrigue me in some way, I just don�t feel all that invested right now. My life seems to be on autopilot, and I don�t have any desire to take the controls at this moment. Work is work, and although I�m getting the hang of it and enjoy the challenge, it�s far from a final destination. Any time I spend with Matt is great, but I don�t have an overpowering need to be with him 24/7, either. Life is just flowing on, and I�m riding it with no rudder or paddle. Maybe the week back home and away from my day-to-day will be just the trick, or maybe it will make me appreciate my day-to-day even more. At the moment, the only thing I can think about is the amount of sleep I�ll be able to catch up on.

Speaking of Matt, Sunday marks 8 months, which puts it at #2 on the all-time longevity chart for my relationships, only behind Steve. However, in month eight of my time with Steve, I was already questioning whether it was going to last, while I now make jokes about moving to Boston with Matt. Big difference.

I got Matt a card for the occasion, and although I always have the best of intentions with cards that have blank pages on the inside, I can sit at my desk and just stare at the card for 10 minutes without forming one sentence. Once I start, though, I just write off the top of my head, and hope for the best (just like my diary, for reference). So here�s what I came up with�

�I had what I was going to write in this card all worked out in my head earlier, but right now I�m drawing a complete blank. Instead, I�ll just tell you a thought that came to mind last night.

You and I are so passionate about expressing that we love each other SO MUCH when we make love, and that means a lot. I just want you to know that I love you SO MUCH all the time, not just when I�m on the verge of ecstasy. You�ve become such an essential part of my life, and the fact that you feel the same about me still amazes me.

Thanks for eight wonderful months. But more importantly, thanks for the promise of so many more months and years.

Love, John�

My internal censor kicked in as I typed this in, asking me why I include this personal thought in a public arena. For once I overrode it, as I want to make sure I keep it close to me. I�d like to look back someday and recount the time where I was falling in love with Matt, and I think this really captures just where I stand. Marriage is not an option right now, but it IS something I can see up ahead. Our first Christmas, our first Valentines Day, our first New Years�so many things to look forward to. And as we head toward Christmas, which to me is the most romantic day of the year in many ways, those feelings will probably get more intensified. All I can hope at this point is that he feels the same way, and I�m very confident he does. What more could I ask for? I�m not greedy�I�ll settle for that.

What I'm Listening To: Clay Aiken - Invisible (it's in my head...make it STOP!)

First Word That Comes To Mind: Milkshake

What I'm Currently Reading: