04/07/2006 - 7:41 AM

Matt: I still think we have more talking to do, you and I, but I�m not sure tonight has to be the night... I still have some challenges on some of the things you said that I don't agree with or that I�m worried are shaping your idea of me that I don�t' think are fair... but nothing threatening... I know we have the basics down, the things that really matter...
John: and I'm completely fine with that. I definitely want to know where you're coming from on the areas where we may have differences. And I hate that my questions and requests for examples are taken as "give me proof", because I don't mean to do that like I'm judge and jury. I just genuinely want to know
Matt: I�m taking some notes
Matt: LOL
John: well, good! I never want you to feel like I'm beating you up with facts and figures
Matt: well I was just reading your journal... and I�m glad you're so honest and have a place to put your feelings... and I certainly understand your side of things about the shutting down... although what you see as shutting down I tend to see as a "time out" because if I responded and talked right then I would do more damage than good, kind of like your feelings about "typing before you thought" the other day...
Matt: although leaving you without the assurances you need (that we are not indeed breaking up) was wrong on my part
Matt: and I do need to be able to say "okay, I need some time here, but don't worry, we'll work it out"
John: and that's all I would need
John: that's perfect
Matt: I was reading what you wrote though and then I wrote this...
Matt: just to show you how I�m making notes LOL
Matt: You say that I �lie by omission� but then if I�m honest about what I want to do and not do I hear that �yeah, you do say no a lot� am I supposed to say yes to things that I mean no about? But if I am honest and don�t �lie by omission� and my feelings and interests don�t match the person asking then I become seen as a negative person or someone who just doesn�t want to do the things the other person wants to do.
In the past I have been told or had it inferred by more than one person that I�m too blunt, too honest, too quick to say what I think, so when I don�t, then I�m told that I �lie by omission� because I�m not being upfront enough. When really all I�m trying to do is be polite and be thoughtful and place someone else�s desires above mine (which by the way doesn�t change my desires at all, how could I do that?).
John: and I've been struggling with that, because I see exactly where you're coming from. Please don't think that I would let myself off on that type of double-talk
John: but my thing is that I've said on many occasions that I'd rather you be honest with me from the get-go than go along with something to spare my feelings
Matt: yeah but you know, I don't mind double talk as long as everyone involved can recognize it as such, because I truly believe that normal people sometimes believe equal but opposing things coming from equal places within them...
John: so I need to establish that if I'm going to expect honesty that I can't hold you responsible for being honest
Matt: but then you say "yeah you do say not a lot" (emphasis on a lot) and then I know that even subconsciously it's a bit of a disappointment to you that I don't want to do the same things you want to do a lot of the time...
Matt: so being honest has consequences
Matt: it's no fun
Matt: LOL
John: well, I was pretty upset. And like I said, I need to learn where that boundary needs to be
Matt: and of course I know honesty is important
Matt: but it's a bummer too
John: truthfully, I think we've been "brought" together to learn from each other, and I look forward to that
Matt: but we've both been pleasantly surprised before by being thoughtful and doing things the other one wanted to do
John: oh yeah...completely
Matt: for example you coming to tea a the Brown Palace, or me going to Jill Scott or whatever
John: yep

Last night was quiet, since Matt went to dinner with Malcolm, and I got to hang with Malcolm�s dog all night. Tonight we�re having dinner with Ted and Dale, and this weekend should be kind of laid back (with date night on Saturday night). I�m sure we�ll do some more talking, but I know that the worst has passed, and I�m extremely relieved about that.

I have volunteered to start writing a blog for our church discussing some of my spiritual challenges, as well as things I see in the world, and how they affect me. I�m debating how to share this with all of you, or if I�m even able to. I�ll keep you posted. In the meantime, it's time to work on goals for my folks here at work.

What I'm Listening To: Jason Aldean - Why

First Word That Comes To Mind: goals

What I'm Currently Reading: Stephen King - Cell