10/05/2002 - 9:07 AM

As for the relationships, I'm not so much in a tit-for-tat mode, but I realize that in the past I gave up more of myself than I should have for the sake of the relationship. In these instances, I DID roll over and play dead. Particularly with Steve, I gave up a lot of my identity to stay in his good graces, and I can't fault anyone but myself. The challenge now is to find that balancing point where you take compromise and identity and find a happy medium. I think that's a reasonable (and attainable) goal for me.

DR continues to stay on my mind...we talk once or twice a day, and we're going to see each other later this afternoon. His ability to balance aspects of his life is very impressive to me. He definitely has that "unstoppable" attitude that a lot of folks in their early to mid-20s have, but there is still a humbleness about him as well. It's not like he resigns himself to limitations, because I don't see that, but what he does have is a deeper understanding of situations that other folks his age don't have. Certain situations frustrate him, such as his current job hunt, but he doesn't necessarily blame others for that, which I see a lot of other folks in his situation do. There is a definite sense of "I'm gonna make this work" about him, though, and I find that VERY attractive. In talking about the unsuccessful interview that he had yesterday, he made a comment that he just needs to win the lottery so that he and I could just quit our jobs and do whatever. I thought that was pretty sweet of him to think about it in those terms, and it slightly caught me off guard. It's becoming more apparent to me that he's about as into me as I'm into him, and that gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling.

So now I feel the need to physically describe DR. He's about 5'11", approx 210, thick build, a little bit of a gut, but like the rest of his body, it's solid. He's got these incredible blue eyes that have just a hint of green in them at times, and a thick head of black hair with a LOT of grey in there for someone that's only 24. To give you a little more perspective, if I had to describe him in terms of a celebrity resemblance, I'd say he looks like the good-looking younger brother of John and Jim Belushi. I truly mean that as a compliment.

Now here's where I get a little more shallow...he has one of the most amazing asses I've ever seen. THICK, and defined, and bubblish, and gnawable, and...okay, I'm getting a little carried away here. But I WILL say that the sex with him has been nothing short of incredible, and it's been getting better as we go along. If this ever gets to the point where the word "love" comes up, that is probably going to cause us to just self-combust. I've been thinking about heading up to the mountains next weekend, and I may just kidnap him and lock him in a lodge room for two days and just have my way with him (not that I think he wouldn't be willing, but that kidnap scenario would add just a little more UMPH to the situation!) There's a pretty picture to leave you with.

10/03/2002 - 7:36 PM

2002-10-03 - 1:05 p.m.

A few clarifications on my entries from yesterday...despite how I made it sound, I do have reservations about DR. Right now, he's only working a p/t job, and that makes me nervous. However, since there's no ring on my finger at the moment, I'm not going to make a big deal of it. Also, I did a good amount of trashing on my two ex's, and I felt SLIGHTLY guilty about it after the fact, but only slightly. Dave was a troubled guy from a screwy family environment, which I have no doubt affected how he interacted with others. As for Steve, he actually brought some positive changes to my life, including giving me the incentive to quit a job that I TRULY was hating at the time, but felt trapped at. Does this reduce the way they handled their respective situations? No...but I wouldn't be in the great place I am right now if I hadn't gone through everything I've gone through up until now. So when people ask if I'd change anything in my life, or if I've regretted anything I've ever done, I can honestly say "no". That's a good feeling...I used to constantly be rocked with guilt over the choice I didn't make. Now I understand that no matter the choice I make, it's the choice I was meant to make.

2002-10-02 - 7:21 p.m.

I finally made a decision last night about my dating situation. For the past month or so, there have been three people that I have been seeing in various levels of involvement, but I've been pretty torn about which direction to go. S is a great guy that I've known since I moved here, and there's been a lot of flirting with the idea of dating, but there are also several issues on the other end that I'm not sure I want to delve into. DM is going through some personal issues as well, and the last thing I'd want to do is add any complications to that. Which brings me to DR.

DR is a bit younger than me, and initailly that had me a bit worried. I made a rule a few years back about dating anyone under 25, and any time that I broke that rule, I received my just reward. However, DR has added a slight twist to the equation. There is a maturity to DR that some people I've dated my own age haven't even exhibited. He's been called on to be a caretaker in parts of his life, and I think probably contributes to this. So as we sat on the couch last night, watching TV, I turned to look at him and said, "You know what? I like you." Corny...I know. But I think he bought it, especially since he said, "I like you, too." LOL...I sound like a 15-year-old with a severe crush that words that basic would amuse me so. Needless to say, those comments put into motion a series of events that prevented me from seeing the end of "The Guardian" last night. So if anyone else saw it, I'd really appreciate a recap!

I have fallen "in love" with two men in my life. The first one was Dave, whereabouts unknown, but most likely in Western New York (Buffalo, to be exact). Dave and I met in April of '96 while I was living in Rochester, and it was a whirlwind courtship. In September of that year, I accepted a new job in Charlotte, NC, and he moved with me, looking to escape a stifling life in Buffalo. We were only in Charlotte for 7 weeks when my job moved me to Greensboro for a job promotion. Less than 2 months later, Dave met someone else and broke up with me. I have never felt as deep and as prolonged a pain as I did when he broke up with me (two weeks before Christmas). I sat watching a Muppet Christmas Carol on Christmas day in a city where I knew no one in tears. To make matters worse, he had told people that I was the one who had broken up with him. The next few months were hell for me, since we still shared an apartment. About a year later, I heard that he had broken up with the new boyfriend, and that he had suffered some type of a breakdown. My final closure on that chapter of my life occured on my way to work one day. I came upon his car turning out of an apartment complex, loaded up with all his belongings. He was headed home to NY, and for some strange reason, I was going to be able to see him off. This, more than any other situation I can offer up, is living proof of the "what comes around, goes around" concept. I never heard from him again, unless you count a brief scare where I thought he had accessed my credit report. Thankfully, that was a false alarm.

Just before I moved from Greensboro for Miami, I met Eric, and we started a long-distance relationship that lasted for nine months. Although I can't say that I was in love with Eric, had we lived closer and been able to work through certain issues, I have no doubt he would be on this list. Alas, it was not meant to be.

The other man was Steve, who I dated for just over a year in Atlanta, but now lives in DC. We met within three days of my moving to Atlanta, and I had no intention of falling for anyone. I was still dating Eric, but in my mind, it was all but over, mainly since he had become much more distant over the past few months. Steve and I hung out regularly for a few weeks before we got serious on the dating front, but when we did, it was an all-consuming passion. We constantly wanted to be around each other, and as a result, I barely met anyone my first year in Atlanta. It was a very stifling relationship, but after being in a situation where I felt like the other person wasn't into it as much as I had been, it seemed like an improvement. Sadly, it wasn't. We moved in together after nine months, even though I knew in my heart that it would not work out. When my 31st birthday came around, we were supposed to go away together, but Steve said he couldn't get away from work. I suspected something else was keeping him home, but I really was looking forward to a trip, so he said he'd pay for a good part of the expenses as a birthday present. I ended up going to Denver, a place I'd had no prior desire to travel to, but it sounded intriguing. After four days of being here and loving the area, Steve told me over the phone that he wanted me to move out when I got back. I was devastated. We finalized the breakup shortly after I returned, and I was out within three weeks. There's much more to this story, but needless to say, I'd be lying if I said I have no problem getting involved with someone on that level again. All I've gotta say is, anyone that's brave enough to go there better hang on, 'cause it's gonna be a BUMPY ride! But bumps CAN be good...

2002-10-02 - 11:14 a.m.

9-2-02, 7:25 PM MST

I wanted a sunset, and I got it�amazing. Twelve hours from now, I�ll be sitting in rush hour traffic, but right now, I�m sitting up on the Continental Divide, looking at the red, yellow and pink streaks in the sky as the sun makes its final descent in to the mountains off west. I took a few pictures, but I know they truly don�t do it justice. I was hoping for solitude, but I kind of like the fact that I�m not the only person who�s stopped to enjoy this view. Two guys (a couple, I�m assuming) wander by, and one comments he�s been up here a thousand times, and it never is diminished. He thought I was sketching, to which I reply, �There�s more than one way to paint a picture.� That�s my profound thought of the day.

7:34, and all that�s left are some of the most amazing oranges and roses I�ve ever seen. The mountains become bolder, stronger, and larger as the light holds them up. A woman coming up the trail states, �That�s a good one,� and I just nod and smile. She�s translating for a man who appears Native American, but it�s sounds like she�s speaking Spanish.

The light spreads, capturing more of the mountains as it goes. Can you believe that someone is walking AWAY from the light, talking instead of simply enjoying it? Me either, although if someone else was here, I�m sure I�d share a thought or two. Next year, I need to bring gloves! It got cold as soon as the sun was out of sight. The exaust trail of a jet suddenly appears over the horizon, yet well out of the light. The hues of the sunset are darker now, more purple and violet replace the oranges and reds. There is absolutely no snow up here, which is a big change from June. It�s been THAT warm this summer. Another plane�s lights are visible higher in the sky, but I look away, and they�re gone. I think I see a star in the Southern sky, but it could be a plane, too. Looking to the East, there�s a purple (and pink) haze over the mountains reflecting the light, even though there aren�t many clouds. The transition of the Eastern sky is almost as impressive as the West, considering that the sky to the East was an amazing blue just 20 minutes ago. In Greensboro, we called it a Carolina Blue Sky, but here, it�s simply a Rocky Mountain Blue Sky. I actually bought a sample of RMBS to use somewhere in the condo, but I couldn�t find a spot where it was appropriate.

A little rodent pops out from a rock, not expecting to see another living creature, then makes a run for it. The cars coming down the road from the west look like lighted marbles all rolling down a track. I�ve asked Mike the camera guy if he would send me a few of the shots he�s taken if I send him some money, and I give him my number and e-mail address. He�s here from St. Louis, and goes back tomorrow, hopefully with the amazing sunset he was looking for. I think he got it.

I could keep writing about this for hours, but the daylight is long gone, and it�s getting harder to see, so I�ll end with a little reflection�

In spite of all of my harshness on myself, I think I�ve done quite well this year�no regrets, no wrong turns, and no disappointments. I will never dwell on the choices of the past, because they brought me to this moment, and for that I am eternally grateful. In a matter of moments, I laugh and cry, and I embrace them both. Love and fear rule us all, but love is what I feel right now�for those who have touched me, for the places I�ve been, for the life I live. No one can ever take those things from me. So my promise is to live IN the moment, for the moment. AMEN TO THAT!

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