08/11/2003 - 1:04 PM

I find sometimes that I become very sensitive/private/secretive about certain things, but that these moments aren't necessarily in line with how I normally operate. Case in point...CW telling Matt and MU details about his massages with KM. Normally, this type of thing wouldn't bother me, but that's an extremely personal "activity" for me, and I was truly offended that he didn't recognize that. So here's the dilemma...do I keep my open dialogue open ALL the time, or do I just clam up, and let everyone know that anything I share is only for their personal consumption, and end up alienating people? And I know this will...if you act like you don't trust someone, then they'll treat you like someone THEY can't trust. I feel a catch-22 coming on.

The reason this comes up is that I was walking back to the office from lunch (some delicious Memphis-style bbq), and I was thinking about how well things were going with Matt. As that thought occurred to me, I started wondering what in my past behavior would be a potential roadblock in the relationship progressing, and that came to mind immediately. It seems to me that I need to be aware of that as I go forward, but sometimes we act first, and understand WHY we did second, and I'm guilty of that. I feel like it's my way of breaking up my easy-going nature and say, "I want some attention NOW".

Reminds me of the time when I was a kid where we were going to a steakhouse for dinner, and I was so against eating steak that I didn't even want to go inside. My mom was so shocked that her son, who always did what was asked of him (even if it was begrudgingly), didn't want to go in that she let me stay in the car. I even remember her paying extra attention after they came out, and that made me feel good.

See...I don't need a shrink. I can analyze MYSELF!

Yeah...right, John. SURE you can.

I care too much about Matt to intentionally play that type of game with him, but how do you stop a behavior when most times you don't even realize you're doing it until you're already into it? If anyone's got an answer, I'd be interested in hearing it. Or if you can just relate...that would work, too.

What I'm Listening To: Prince - Darling Nikki

First Word That Comes To Mind: game

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