07/05/2003 - 12:02 PM

The Fourth of July was pretty laid back, and I think that's exactly what the doctor ordered. Went to the gym in the morning, did a few things around the house, and then went to meet up with Matt for lunch. Hung at his place for a while, and then we headed up to JG's with CW's dog to spend the afternoon. We had a great time...grilled out chicken, played with the dogs (JG was dog-sitting as well), tried out the hot tub (note to self: hot tubs are fun, but not in July when it's still in the 80s outside), and then watched the fireworks from the nearby fairgrounds. JG has this great backyard, with several tiers, and an irrigation ditch that runs through the top of the property and supplies some pretty cool ambient sound to an already beautiful setting, so I was in heaven.

An unexpected conversation about sex developed with Matt through the evening, and then got clarification on the way home. I know I've alluded to the fact that our sex life hasn't been the most satisfying to me as we've gone along, but who his is and what we've experienced has been far more rewarding to me. While sitting in the tub, Matt was talking about MU, and how he can't sleep with anyone without developing an emotional attachment, whereas Matt has been able to sleep with people in the past without that attachment (unless he's specifically dating that person). That thought stuck with me, especially since it seems like he's withholding certain "acts" until things get deeper (namely, anal sex).

This probably wouldn't bother me as much if it wasn't for the fact that when we're playing together, that's the only time he consistently tells me he loves me. I guess we come from different schools of thought on this one...when you're getting off with someone, that doesn't seem like the right time to me. When you're connected in the act of making love (anal), THAT seems like the right time. My messed-up priority? Possibly. I will concede that, but it doesn't completely invalidate the thought, especially since there are so many ways to look at the subject.

So on the drive home, I brought up the subject. As I've suspected, he has some hesitation regarding performing during anal sex, both giving and receiving. On the receiving side, he has to be COMPLETELY relaxed and in the mood for it. For giving, he's concerned about being able to please his partner, and it short circuits his ability to keep it up and enjoy the experience (unless he's had a few drinks to take the edge off). I'm struggling with this right now...I've got my reservations about someone who feels like they can't function in a sexual capacity unless they've had something to drink. I'm also concerned about the hang-ups about bottoming (there's also issues of being "clean", as well).

I love the boy, and that shit (pun intended) doesn't matter to me. Being versatile (although having a preference) is supposed to make things easier, isn't it? It's as if the fates are punishing me for focusing on "the fuck" in past relationships by giving me a wonderful person who could live without it. Needless to say, I reiterated the fact that I think he's worth waiting for, but I also conceded that I do miss that extra level of intimacy.

I'm pretty sure he's known that it's an issue...while we were in Estes Park, he gave me the two-finger treatment on my prostate, to wildly successful results. I've actually been able to return the favor, which makes me wonder about the "loosening up" part of this, unless he's been with people that really didn't give a damn whether Matt was prepped before they dove into it. At least I've been able to put it out there, though. One great thing about this relationship is that we both know that we can tell the other person whatever is on our mind. That's a pretty refreshing change.

So I'm off to San Francisco tomorrow to meet up with the Chief and the Hunter. I've been informed that we will be checking out a beer bust, and who am I to say no? Then it's off to Oakland and Sacramento for work, and I'll be back in Denver on Wednesday. I'm hoping to get in at least one update, but we'll see what happens. If not, have a great week, and I'll catch y'all next week.

What I'm Listening To: Thomas Dolby - She Blinded Me With Science

First Word That Comes To Mind: sex

What I'm Currently Reading: