06/25/2003 - 9:11 PM

Honestly, I had an entry all typed in this morning, and then as I got down to the last paragraph, it all went away. As the day has gone on, though, I think the direction of this entry is going to mutate drastically. But first, some housecleaning.

- In response to just about everyone else's entries that I've read over the last week, I DID buy the Harry Potter book on Saturday, but only because I accidentally found it for under $15. How's THAT for choosing your literature wisely? Knowing that I'm not in a position to read it immediately, I've passed it onto Matt, who is enjoying it so far.

- Money's tight at the moment...I sat down and did my budget for the next few weeks, and I've only got a couple hundred bucks cash until the middle of July. Credit cards will get me by in a pinch, but I hate living like that. Looks like I'm going to keep the p/t job for one more year before I can enjoy my free time year-round.

- Monday marked three months with Matt, and we basically chilled out, grabbed dinner at Wahoo's, and then coffee with MU. I really value the time I've spent with him so far, and I'm looking forward to getting to know him even better. Sadly, I have the nagging feeling the back of mind that it won't last, just as each and every one that has preceded it didn't. Trust me when I say I'm working around it...just trying to live in the moment and not get caught up in the "what if" and "maybe" mentality.

Which leads me to the gist of this entry...what's my motivation? Well, lately, there hasn't been much of any motivation to speak of. Seems like I'd rather sit at my computer playing Super Collapse than doing any housework or going to the gym. I've put almost all of the weight I lost over the past year back on, although it's not quite in as bad a shape as it was this time last year. I do enjoy my job, but bores me at times, and I don't understand why. There's more than enough to do there, and my procrastination only makes the matter even worse. And yet, I keep up a facade that's supposed to keep people from knowing what's going on in my life.

But here's the messed-up part of it...I pull off the facade pretty impressively. I've gotten two promotions at work since I started the f/t job, and I got the promotion at the p/t job, too. My friends think I'm one of the most grounded people that they know, yet I feel like I've gone beyond grounded, and I'm just burying myself slowly but surely. It's a talent, isn't it? Learned from years of "keeping up appearances" to cover the dirty laundry of a disfunctional family. After a while, you just get tired, but it's all you know to do. It's like you're jogging through the park, and you keep seeing the finishing point, and you tell yourself "just a little further" over and over and over again. Somewhere inside of you, you continue to pull the reserve energy to keep going, but it's not an infinite supply.

I fear I'm going to run out of that energy soon, and I need to alter the behavior before I hit the wall.

Funny thing about keeping these diaries...when I actually do what I set out to do in the first place (work through the inner functions of my brain instead of leaving them there to fester), I come to conclusions and revelations like that last paragraph. Forcing myself to confront the behaviors that keep me from doing so becomes the challenge. I came so far from who I was in Atlanta (miserable, cowering, unmotivated), and now I feel like I'm headed right back into the abyss.

So now I know...what do I do? Truthfully, I'd think counseling wouldn't hurt right now, but I just can't swing it at the moment. Besides, in the back of my mind, there's a critical voice screaming "Wuss!" at me for not handling it myself, and I actually give that voice some credence. Do I have the ability to get through this? Yeah. I know I do. Can I do it on my own? No. I can do a lot of the work (and I HAVE to do it myself), but I do need help. Looks like it's time to actually open up to the people closest to me and let them in on what's going on in my head. I'm shaking my head at the thought of it, but somewhere in me, I know that I need that extra attention to make sure I'm "doing my homework". Otherwise, I'll put it off, just like I always do.

What I'm Listening To: Clay Walker - Where Do I Fit In the Picture

First Word That Comes To Mind: Decide

What I'm Currently Reading: