05/26/2003 - 10:25 PM

My history in long-term relationships (if you want to call a year long-term, since that's the longest I've experienced) has been shaky at best. Eric (EH, coincidentally) lasted nine months, but eight of those nine months were in different cities. I broke up with Eric because he wasn't investing himself into the relationship, and began dating Steve, who lasted just over a year. I hung around in that relationship too long, partially because of finances (he loaned me some money to get out of my credit card debt, which I paid back a few months later), but mostly because of an inexplicable attraction to a man who so clearly didn't care about my feelings. Your relationship with Spec hit so close to home because my relationship with Steve was almost exactly the same (except my abuse came via verbal and emotional battery, not physical). The guys that were good for me and of good quality, I never truly found myself attracted to long-term. Sadly, the men I really find myself attracted to are the ones that remind me of men my mom loved and lost...emotionally unattached; gregarious to the public, but moody and angry behind closed doors; strong-willed, opinionated, and set in their ways.

And here I stand with Matt. A great guy, but with some personality traits that I am having a hard time determining if I can handle for an extended length of time. And to complicate things, several of my good friends have commented recently that, for once, I'm giving a guy a chance to get to know me intimately. *Sigh* My Catholic fear of disappointing others comes back in a major way. I promised CW today that I would give it at least a week's cooling-off, and we talked about the different points I have. Seems like there are some that can possibly be remedied (possibly the performance in the bedroom), but as I type this, it seems like once I verbalized my intentions, as I did yesterday and today, the decision has become an inevitable one to make.

Does this make any sense? If it does, that makes one of us that it makes sense to, because I'm STILL struggling with the logic of my own choices. Sometimes I wonder if I intentionally set myself up as a martyr, just to have people take pity on me and pay me attention. But deep down, I have to accept that I know how I feel, and not discount that. If only I could convince myself that it's a genuine feeling, and not a conditioned response...

What I'm Listening To: Ashton, purring on the bed next to me

First Word That Comes To Mind: Non-committal

What I'm Currently Reading: