05/16/2003 - 3:08 PM

5/16/2000

-So, what now? I've brought this pad along, hoping to actually start thinking and triggering some _constructive_ thought. I suppose the best place to start is where I'm at (metaphorically speaking, that is), although my physical location is pretty appropriate. I'm literally sitting in the middle of a raging river. Surrounded by all these rapids, I feel like if I move too quickly, they could carry me away. So I stay put on this big, safe, stable rock and watch it fly by. All around me, the world is a big, beautiful place, yet I sit in the middle of chaos. Pretty lame...

-I believe I am suffering from a mild case of depression. That would explain my laziness, lack of decisiveness, fatigue and general sadness. In many ways, this makes no sense to me. I am officially out of debt, I make a good wage, I live comfortably, and as we speak, I�m sitting in the Rockies on a gloriously beautiful day. What else could I ask for? Well, I hate to say it, but happiness. Despite all of my good fortune, I�m not happy. Possible reasons:

� My relationship with Steve

� My health

� My job

If you ask me, the health is related to the depression, which I believe was caused by the job when I worked for TransWorld. However, I never dealt with it, and my relationship with Steve has only added more burdens. Not that Steve�s a burden�but being in a relationship with him is. I�m not myself around him. I�m pretty wishy-washy, and I hate that. Point blank, I have needs on several levels that are not being met; yet I feel selfish for even acknowledging them. How do you tell the man you love that he�s hurting you without hurting him back? To make matters worse, I know he has his issues with me as well. It makes me angry to see him keep it bottled up, but there�s so much more sadness than anger.

I�ve begun to cry again, but not in a good way. I now mist up at the drop of a hat. Movies, songs, books�even my dreams are sad. I�m holding back right now, simply for acknowledging it. Steve doesn�t understand it when I cry. I think I�ve only seen him cry once, and that scared me. There was SO much emotion there, all vulnerable. He never allows himself to be vulnerable. It�s just not healthy. But it�s no good to open all your scars at the same time, either.

-I just want to run away. Colorado is so beautiful. Fresh start, more my speed. But at the same time, if I did, would it be a copout? The rational side of me says yes, the emotional side says no. I�m pretty torn. It wouldn�t even have to be Colorado, but it would mean leaving Atlanta, and, most likely, losing Steve. This is killing me. I want to make things work, but if I had a friend in this situation (and I actually have 2), I would want them to get out FAST! But, as always, it�s so much easier when it�s someone else.

-I have a sense of dread back home. Something major is going to happen with Steve, and I don�t know what it is. To be honest, I think he just wants to run away as well. He puts much more stress on himself than anyone should. I hate to think how he balances it all, yet I think his anger is his only outlet. If you had the weight of the world on your shoulders all the time, wouldn�t you get pissed off once in a while, if not constantly?

What I'm Listening To: Maxwell - 'Til the Cops Come Knockin'

First Word That Comes To Mind: sad

What I'm Currently Reading: