03/11/2003 - 10:15 AM
Worked the p/t job last night, and it was an hour later than usual, so I'm a bit tired today. While I was on the bus to work this morning, BT called out of the blue. The boy got a LOT of goodwill points for making the call unsolicited, and then proceeding to crack me up about riding "the big bus" in a goofy voice. You had to be there, but trust me, it was good. We may be meeting for dinner tonight, something I've been attempting to do for almost the past year. We'll see how that goes.As I'm getting more and more into the diaryland culture, I've got my usual round of diaries that I read. The easiest way to see who's caught my attention is to look at my profile, and you'll see that they fall into two categories, intelligent people who write with humor, and intelligent people who write with depth, and two who specifically write with both ( Xtine and Patrick G...you know who you are). This has actually brought to the surface something that I've always found myself struggling with...the fact that I'm intimidated by intelligent people.
People who know me would probably be very surprised by this revelation, as I'm usually viewed as being rather intelligent myself. However, I sometimes feel like a chihuahua standing in the window, wanting to run with the big dogs outside. It's not a fear based in fact, but rather based in my insecurities. From the spelling bee in the 7th grade where I placed second, to the Arbor Day presentation where I represented the school as a tree was planted in our name (very lame ceremony, now that I think back on it), I always wanted to be perceived as intelligent. My mom's family actually played a big part in all of this. A northeastern Catholic family, they valued hard work, intelligent conversation, and a dry wit. I've spent most of my life pursuing those goals, with more success than failure at this point.
Even in elementary school, there was that inferiority complex. There were four of us that were considered "exceptional", and we ended up following each other through grades K-5. I always wanted that acceptance by the other three, but I was truly too socially challenged to ever get there, so the only other option I had was to be better at academics than them, maybe getting their acknowledgement. This was complicated even further by the fact that I developed my first crush on one of the other three. His name was John, and he had the BLUEST eyes, and thick dark hair, and a boyish face that just slightly hinted at the handsome man he was going to become. We moved away after the 5th grade, but those eyes are tough to forget.
So as I've gotten older, I think I've actually removed myself from situations where my intelligence would be tested, unless it was a venue where I KNOW I'm going to be good, including music. I guess I just need someone to engage my mind, and help me reignite that passion for knowledge. I miss conversations with people like Huntington, who carry their intelligence well, without putting it on others like a sack of boulders. There's got to be a few people like that running around the foothills here...I've just got to find them.
What I'm Listening To: Put the Needle On It - Dannii Minogue
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