01/07/2003 - 8:20 AM

This year, I think it'll be Bruce Springsteen, who put out a DECENT CD, but it wasn't his highest quality work, either. When you figure in 9-11 and sentimental value, he's a lock. The one nominee I am glad to see is Nora Jones...what an amazing voice. I'm torn on New Artist, though...her and John Mayer are both deserving. I'm hoping Ashanti has an India.Arie year and gets shut out...PLEASE! (Catty little bitch when I want to be, aren't I?)

TW's mom passed on Saturday...just found out about it yesterday. I was kind of numb when I got the call from Tom, but as I thought about several other people I've known that died from cancer, I got a bit more upset, and had to lock myself in the bathroom for ten minutes or so to get it out of my system. I then called my mom to tell her I love her, which got her upset about my grandmother on my mom's side, who passed about two years ago. The thought of losing my mom is unthinkable to me, but I suppose most of us have to face that at one point or another. She says it's actually getting harder to handle, instead of better, which concerns me. I think it's got something to do with stress going on with handling family business, and that saddens me.

My grandmother passed on the end of February, 2001. Next to my mom, I loved that woman more than anyone else on this planet. I was in Modesto, CA when it happened, and because of my cell phone service, I didn't actually get the news until Sunday. There wasn't a funeral...the weather that weekend got pretty messy, and family is all over the Eastern US (as a side note, I am by far the furthest away from the family here in CO). Instead, we had a memorial for her in May (Mother's Day weekend, and just a few days before her birthday), and it was a happy occasion. It's the first time in easily 10 years where all the kids and grandkids had been together in one place.

The weirdest thing about that whole process was the fact that I never cried until I returned to Modesto on my next business trip. It was about 10:30 at night as I drove in from SFO, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just started sobbing uncontrollably as I drove, and I almost had to pull over to the side of the road. What a relief it was to just let it all go. Our family probably falls in the middle of the scale when it comes to showing emotion, but crying was something that was always supposed to be held in. I wonder if that affected my reaction. Part of it was that I was in the middle of a business trip, and had to try and keep things in check until I got back to Atlanta. I guess I'm really good at burying stuff when I feel the need to.

As much as my grandmother's deterioration in her later years upset me, it was always tempered by the fact that she had survived Lupus in the 70s, and I was so glad to have her as long as I did. One great thing about her going into the nursing home was that she let some of her independent spirit out that she kept locked up while living with my grandfather. When his back condition prevented him from living on his own, he insisted on moving into the same nursing home with Grandma, and wanted to be in the same room. She wasn't having it, and she put her foot down on that one. GO GRANDMA! Her biting humor surfaced a bit, too, although it was in spurts. I think at times she actually understood me better than my own mom did...there was a look she'd occasionally give me across a table or across the room saying, "I understand", even when nothing was actually wrong. I miss that more than just about anything else about anyone I've ever lost.

Sad to say, it's taken me two years to even acknowledge that fact. It's 10 minutes later, and I'm still crying. I guess this journaling is helping me after all. It was actually pretty cool having both of my grandmothers' birthdays within a couple of days of mine. Not surprisingly, I really cared for my grandmother on my dad's side as well, but didn't know her nearly as well, partially because of proximity, and partially because of the circumstances of my parents' divorce. There was a sweetness and gentleness to her that I don't know that I've ever experienced with anyone else close to me, and yet she was a no-nonsense kind of lady who loved her family, her hobbies, her cats, and her music. I'm going to start crying here again...that's a no-brainer. She passed away when I was 16, and my last memory of seeing her before she passed was in the hospital. They actually kicked me out of the room because I couldn't stop crying. So I never got to say goodbye.

I don't have regrets in my life...everything that's happened to me got me to the moment that I'm at right now, and I never want to change that. But if I could change one thing , it would be to have been with those two ladies just before they died, and to have told them how much their love and support in ways big and small meant to me. I've been told by a few people that I seem to have a couple of guardian angels watching over me, and now I think you know exactly who those angels are. I will carry their love with me always, and if I can share only a portion of that with others, I will still have succeeded in having a successful life. True story...

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