10/27/2002 - 2:54 PM

I got the call at work about 10:10 in the morning. His mama hadn't been doing well, but you just don't think in your mind that the worst will come. He was sobbing hysterically, repeating over and over, "she's gone, John...she's gone!" I was numb...no true emotion at that point, but it felt like a black hole had opened up and swallowed my stomach. It was in a freefall, and I couldn't stop it. Needless to say, it was a long day to get through. There really was nothing I could do at that point...it's not like it was my partner's mom, since we hadn't been a couple for almost 7 months. So I trudged through the rest of the workday, and went home to absorb what had happened.

Steve and I hadn't talked for a while after we broke up, and had just started re-establishing our friendship, which I was eager to do. I have always been of the thinking that I would never date anyone long-term that I wouldn't be friends with outside of the relationship. Things were going well...we'd hit Target or the outlet mall together and just hang out. So understandably, I was pretty confused as to what role I would play in all of this. The call came so quickly after she passed, I later thought that I would be offering support to him through his ordeal.

Steve's mama was a sweet woman with a spunk that no one could forget, especially since it was contained in such a small frame. The two of us spent many Sundays at his parents' house while we were together. Steve and his mama would sit at the dining room table chatting and gossiping, and his daddy and I would sit in the living room, watching NASCAR races or Westerns. She was a long-time Wal-Mart employee, and proud of it.

Her illness developed almost a year before her death, when a minor case of pneumonia spiraled into something that almost took her life. However, she was such a fighter, and she made it through, although a bit slighter than she had been when it all started. And standing 5'2 and barely weighing over 100 pounds to begin with, there wasn't a lot of room for her to lose. Her recovery was slow, but it was going in the right direction.

My last vision of her was Thanksgiving a few weeks before she passed. She was the liveliest that she had been since she had become ill, and I am so glad that is my last vision of her. For the first few hours we were there, she was chatting and laughing and making jokes, even with her oxygen tank and confined to her recliner. After a few hours, though, she was whooped, and fell asleep. But she was completely with it that day...no memory lapse, no rambling, just Mama.

The funeral was on a rainy Friday in December...unfortunately, pretty appropriate for the occasion. The ceremony was nice...very simple, yet still more than she would have wanted. Steve was inconsolable...sobbing like crazy, and when the service was over, he wouldn't let them close the casket. Closing it meant admitting she was gone, and he couldn't. They went over a year without talking, but in the past two years, they had been very close. Still, Steve felt amazing amounts of guilt when she passed because of the time together that they lost. In an ironic set of circumstances, his sister was in the exact same situation with her mama when the pneumonia set in. This is a family of stubborn folks.

We got Steve out of the funeral home and in the car to the cemetary, and he started to calm down a little bit. The rest of the ceremony went okay, but even though he was calmer, we couldn't get him to leave the plot so they could bury her. By the time we drove out of town on our way back to Atlanta, he was slightly more resigned to the fact.

The next few months were a rollercoaster of emotions for him, which was understandable. Steve had a tendency to run away when there was trouble, and this would be no exception, as he planned a move away from those painful memories up to DC. Sadly, this is where my involvement with Steve ends, as he returned to his lying and manipulative ways in order to get there. Long story short, he got me to lie to help him get out of his lease, and he abandoned the two cats that we had shared, leaving them locked up in his old place as the landlord changed the locks due to lack of payment. He could abuse me all he wanted, but when the "kids" became involved, that was it. We talked one more time, and that was it.

I wonder where he's at right now...my last trace of him in DC is from last April. Ironically, it was from an online journal, which just stopped. Truthfully, he could be in jail...I know he had some shady dealings going on, which I'm kind of glad I don't know the details on. On two occasions, I arrived home from work to find a summons for him to turn himself in. He claimed it was for a misunderstanding on a bounced check, but as usual, I didn't believe it. I just hope he's well...despite all we went through, I genuinely believe he didn't mean me harm. I just don't think he knew how else to relate to people.

10/24/2002 - 9:24 AM

My three day p/t job marathon is over with, but sleep won't come for a few more days. Tonight I've got a Kenny Chesney concert to go to with SB, tomorrow night is Six Flags with folks from work, and THEN I can sleep. Saturday will be a waste...I will be SO unproductive that day, it won't even be funny. Oh well...there goes the plan to paint. Actually, I do need to get out to see M&M about that paint sprayer. Maybe we'll just do dinner or something. DR's mom is coming into town this weekend, so I probably won't see much of him.

SB just called and left a message...as I suspected, it looks like he's trying to flake out of tonight's show. In a weird way, this is a blessing. Now if I can find someone to buy the tickets, I'll be set. I need SLEEP!

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