04/07/2006 - 7:41 AM

Matt: I still think we have more talking to do, you and I, but I’m not sure tonight has to be the night... I still have some challenges on some of the things you said that I don't agree with or that I’m worried are shaping your idea of me that I don’t' think are fair... but nothing threatening... I know we have the basics down, the things that really matter...
John: and I'm completely fine with that. I definitely want to know where you're coming from on the areas where we may have differences. And I hate that my questions and requests for examples are taken as "give me proof", because I don't mean to do that like I'm judge and jury. I just genuinely want to know
Matt: I’m taking some notes
Matt: LOL
John: well, good! I never want you to feel like I'm beating you up with facts and figures
Matt: well I was just reading your journal... and I’m glad you're so honest and have a place to put your feelings... and I certainly understand your side of things about the shutting down... although what you see as shutting down I tend to see as a "time out" because if I responded and talked right then I would do more damage than good, kind of like your feelings about "typing before you thought" the other day...
Matt: although leaving you without the assurances you need (that we are not indeed breaking up) was wrong on my part
Matt: and I do need to be able to say "okay, I need some time here, but don't worry, we'll work it out"
John: and that's all I would need
John: that's perfect
Matt: I was reading what you wrote though and then I wrote this...
Matt: just to show you how I’m making notes LOL
Matt: You say that I “lie by omission” but then if I’m honest about what I want to do and not do I hear that “yeah, you do say no a lot” am I supposed to say yes to things that I mean no about? But if I am honest and don’t “lie by omission” and my feelings and interests don’t match the person asking then I become seen as a negative person or someone who just doesn’t want to do the things the other person wants to do.
In the past I have been told or had it inferred by more than one person that I’m too blunt, too honest, too quick to say what I think, so when I don’t, then I’m told that I “lie by omission” because I’m not being upfront enough. When really all I’m trying to do is be polite and be thoughtful and place someone else’s desires above mine (which by the way doesn’t change my desires at all, how could I do that?).
John: and I've been struggling with that, because I see exactly where you're coming from. Please don't think that I would let myself off on that type of double-talk
John: but my thing is that I've said on many occasions that I'd rather you be honest with me from the get-go than go along with something to spare my feelings
Matt: yeah but you know, I don't mind double talk as long as everyone involved can recognize it as such, because I truly believe that normal people sometimes believe equal but opposing things coming from equal places within them...
John: so I need to establish that if I'm going to expect honesty that I can't hold you responsible for being honest
Matt: but then you say "yeah you do say not a lot" (emphasis on a lot) and then I know that even subconsciously it's a bit of a disappointment to you that I don't want to do the same things you want to do a lot of the time...
Matt: so being honest has consequences
Matt: it's no fun
Matt: LOL
John: well, I was pretty upset. And like I said, I need to learn where that boundary needs to be
Matt: and of course I know honesty is important
Matt: but it's a bummer too
John: truthfully, I think we've been "brought" together to learn from each other, and I look forward to that
Matt: but we've both been pleasantly surprised before by being thoughtful and doing things the other one wanted to do
John: oh yeah...completely
Matt: for example you coming to tea a the Brown Palace, or me going to Jill Scott or whatever
John: yep

Last night was quiet, since Matt went to dinner with Malcolm, and I got to hang with Malcolm’s dog all night. Tonight we’re having dinner with Ted and Dale, and this weekend should be kind of laid back (with date night on Saturday night). I’m sure we’ll do some more talking, but I know that the worst has passed, and I’m extremely relieved about that.

I have volunteered to start writing a blog for our church discussing some of my spiritual challenges, as well as things I see in the world, and how they affect me. I’m debating how to share this with all of you, or if I’m even able to. I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, it's time to work on goals for my folks here at work.

What I'm Listening To: Jason Aldean - Why

First Word That Comes To Mind: goals

What I'm Currently Reading: Stephen King - Cell